Dear Janit

Dear Janit

Contrary to your belief, Jim does not hate you, he is allergic to cats – that is why you are not welcome in his room. There is no malicious intent, if he were to respond to your requests for affection his eyes would swell up to the size of eggs and he would cry like a child. Please focus your attention seeking at the other members of the household.

I hope this information goes some way to easing any paranoid thoughts you had, and trust that you will not use it for any sort of mischief such as rolling about on his pillow when we are all out at work.

Love always

Crispin

Dear Janit

Exercise is not a swear word.

Love from Crispin

Dear Janit

Your cousin, The Lion, commands the entire savannah as his domain, whilst you seem content with the lounge, or to be more specific, the sofa. This is insufficient space for you to fulfill your potential as a cat.

Take a lead from your cousin and and venture further afield. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that the door and the windows open directly onto the outside world.

Love from Crispin

P.S. I am sure you would have fun once you were out there.

Dear Janit

You are a Cat. Your enemy is The Mouse (I have enclosed a picture for your reference). To my knowledge there are currently two mice behind the cooker. I would be ever so grateful if you could see your way to killing them before they have a chance to procreate.

Love from

Crispin

Dear Janit

I would like to point out that sometimes when you think I am asleep I am not. I can clearly hear you getting up to all sorts of naughtiness such as eating my plants and using my speakers as scratching posts.

I have been compiling a dossier of your actions and we will discuss the ways in which you can recompense at a later date.

Regards

Crispin

P.S. I dread to think what you get up to when I am at work.

Dear Janit

I would like you to re-double your efforts on rendering my bedroom a spider free zone. This morning I saw one with a huge sausage of a body and whiskers almost as big as yours. His presence did not aid the recovery from last nights slight over indulgence of the gin and quite put me off my breakfast.

How you dispose of the body is not my concern but if you must eat them please bear in mind that I would rather not bare witness to the meal.

Your help in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Love and kind regards

Crispin

Dear Janit

I want you to stop making romancy eyes at that ginger tom from down the road. I have seen him skulking about the street at night up to all sorts of mischief and skullduggery no doubt.

I believe him to be an immeasurable oaf and frankly, he smells.

I do hope this does not come between us.

Love from

Crispin

Dear Janit

I have compiled a list of things you may wish to consider when choosing a place to sit:

1. Danger of death
   Electrical appliances can prove hazardous to the resting cat: toasters; washing machines; boilers; and in particular, hobs – proceed at your peril.
2. Danger of entrapment
   Cupboards, boxes, draws etc. Humans have a habit of closing open things for the sake of tidiness – washing machines again fall into this category and should be avoided.
3. Danger of compression
   Behind doors (be they open or closed), inside piles of stuff and under sofas as well as underneath cushions and blankets are all danger areas. Use with caution.

Hope this helps.

Love from Crispin

Dear Janit

I would like to draw your attention to the fact that I can count and I hasten to add that I have an inkling that cats are probably capable of this to some extent. At the very least I would go so far as to say that I am pretty certain you can count to one.

I digress: One is the number of breakfasts that you are allowed; one is the number of breakfasts that you are going to receive. It is that simple.

Love from Crispin

P.S. I remain convinced that the expinential rise in your lack of grace and general sloth is directly proportional to number of biscuits consumed.