Dear Janit

Dear Janit

I have it on good authority that while I was away last week you were caught three times by Wicker ‘Baking Brownies’ on the living room rug. Now these dirty protests MUST STOP. You are not in prison, you are not maltreated, you are not a rescue cat, you have a litter box and it is always clean.

I am at my wits end and furious beyond measure. I swear, as God is my witness, if you drop tuppence on the rug one more time i shall shave your tail and put your toys in the cupboard forever.

I strongly advise you to take heed as this truly is your final warning.

Your adoring friend

Crispin

Dear Janit

I have reached the end of my tether with regards to your continued and steadfast insistence of staring at the wall. You may notice that I have pinned photocopies of poems by Keats, cummings and Larkin as well as couple of Shakespeare’s sonnets around the flat just above the skirting.

I am not trying to force poetry upon you, but I am aware of how difficult it is for you to turn pages.

Love from Crispin

Dear Janit

On Monday I saw a television programme which featured a woman who claimed she could speak the language of cats. Now, a sensible person would be hard pushed to regard this as anything less than absurd, as I do. And yet you persist in squawking at me when it is quite clear to all that I have absolutely no idea what it is that you are trying to convey.

I think it best all round if we continue with me speaking English and you pretending to listen.

Love from

Crispin

Dear Janit

There is no need to dance when I am preparing your breakfast. You are never starving. In fact, to be blunt, I think you might be more than just a little overweight.

If a meal consisting of biscuits that smell of old chicken bones and shoes truly is the highlight of your day, I fear you may be beyond help. Why don’t you sit down and have another think about taking up a hobby?

Love always

Crispin

Dear Janit

Further to our discussion regarding inappropriate places to sit, I would like to add newly washed clothes to the list.

While not posing a direct hazard risk to your safety in the same way as the toaster, the owner of the clothes may become upset, irrational and potentially violent on discovering his/her garments covered in cat hair.

Please take special care over suits and shirts on evenings preceding job interviews and weddings.

Lots of love

Crispin

Dear Janit

Contrary to your belief, Jim does not hate you, he is allergic to cats – that is why you are not welcome in his room. There is no malicious intent, if he were to respond to your requests for affection his eyes would swell up to the size of eggs and he would cry like a child. Please focus your attention seeking at the other members of the household.

I hope this information goes some way to easing any paranoid thoughts you had, and trust that you will not use it for any sort of mischief such as rolling about on his pillow when we are all out at work.

Love always

Crispin