On the subject of attention seeking

Dear Janit

I am at my wits end trying to comprehend why you have begun spending tuppence in the pot of the rubber plant.

This is absolutely the wrong way to go about attention seeking.

I am firmly of the opinion that you already receive more than sufficient levels of care and adoration. However, should you really feel that you need more, I would suggest that you do something endearing or droll instead. Please do not perform any further acts of dirty protest – frankly, I find the whole business abhorrent

Come on girl – shape up.

Yours truly,