It is with staggering surprise (and no small degree of suspicion) that I witness your newfound, sudden and seemingly insatiable appetite for pumpkin flesh. Cats are, by their very nature, carnivorous beasts requiring high amounts of amino acids and proteins that are significantly (though not entirely I admit) lacking from the squash.
In addition, your insistence that the only morsels worth investigation or consumption are those still contained within the blessed thing itself leaves me ever so slightly concerned that you may be toying with me; gaining some sort of iniquitous pleasure from interfering with my procedures and postponing the carving process. Half done as it is now it shall have to stay ~ unless you can see your way to removing your silly self from within for 5 minutes and allow me to finish what I have started.
On your head be it if the task remains undone and we are left insufficiently protected by our Jack o’lantern from the spooks and specters of Hallowe’en.
Lots of love
This hunger strike nonsense will not be tolerated, supermarket cat food is every bit as good as the expensive food from the vets. I refuse to believe that it tastes that different, it certainly smells the same to me and it looks much more interesting ~ what with all the funny little biscuits, all different colours and shaped like tiny fish and whatnot.
Times are tight my dear – all of us must make our little sacrifices, if I am to drink non premium gin, I’m sure you will be able to tolerate slightly cheaper cat food.
All the best love,
I’m afraid the vacuum cleaner is very much a necessary tool of modern living, we simply cannot get by without it and I shall hear no more on the subject.
We have lived with carpets for over a decade so you must have witnessed the vacuum cleaner in operation countless times. I think we can agree that on not one of these occasions have we witnessed the end of days… so there is absolutely no need to go steaming about the house as if all of hell has broken loose every time the blessed thing comes out the cupboard.
Let’s not make a fuss, if the machine is that much of an abhorrence for you, why not just remove yourself to an adjacent room?
Love from Crispin
It is now seven full hours since we returned from the vets and I think HIGH TIME the sulking ended. You have not said a single word to me from the moment we got over the threshold, which I might add, is more than somewhat of a contrast to the terrible fuss you made all the way there and back shouting blue murder to all and sundry from the cat carrier.
Seven entire hours of staring at the corner or the staircase and hurrumphing, deliberately looking the other way. I know full well that there is absolutely nothing of interest in that corner as I vacuumed it just this morning.
This nonsense better be over by suppertime or I might start some sulking of my own.
All the best in anticipation of your return to our conversations.
Love from Crispin
Nobody likes a flibbertigibbet.
Since we have moved to our new flat you seem to be spending a great deal of your time at the front window spying on the neighbours. Now I think we can agree that this is not behaviour becoming of a person or cat of your breeding and social standing. A Polite and proper interest in the lives is encouraged of course but in the proper manner. Asking after the health of an elderly relative or an enquiry as to how young master wossname is doing at university is perfectly acceptable and decent. Clandestine observations from behind the living room curtains as they go about their business is not. No matter if Mrs.So-and-so from across the way’s recycling resembles the ‘drink aware’ advert or if you-know-who was still wearing a housecoat at a quarter to noon. Gossip, my girl, is The Devil’s radio.
And there is plenty else with which to fill your day I am sure.
All my love, Crispin
I’m so pleased to see that you have decided to venture out of the spare bedroom and have a look round the rest of our new flat. Obviously we shall need to do a wee bit of sprucing up in order to get this new place up to the standard that we have both become accustomed. To this end I have taken the initiative to hire in the services of the local painter an decorator hoping to avoid a repetition of the terrible debacle resulting from the last time you and I took it upon ourselves to paint a room.
So, with this in mind, I wonder if it might be better for you to keep yourself contained in the spare room as much as possible over the next few days, where the fumes will be much less of an annoyance. If you do decide to venture out, please do show some consideration to Mr. Kalo and his friend, try not to shout at them and lets try and keep the cheekiness to an absolute minimum. I would also add that attempting to trick them into feeding you a second breakfast will get you absolutely nowhere as I have made them both fully aware of your penchent for mendacity in this area and given strict instruction that you are not to be fed a single thing. Finally Janit, may I ask you please to do your very best to maintain a good distance between yourself and any paint or painting equipment that my be with in reach.
Love from Crispin
I have some good news and I have some bad news. The bad news is that there will be a three week gap between us moving out of our current home and moving into our next. The good news however is that our dear friends Mairead and Dan have invited you to stay with them instead of a stir of porridge in some Hackney cattery.
Mairead has asked if your have any special requirements that she should be aware of. I of course told her straight away that you are a very gracious cat and did not tell her about any of your more aggravating ‘eccentricities’ so I hope we can expect nothing less than very best behaviour while you are a guest in their house.
One thing I thought she may find useful is a translation guide to help understand your attempts at communication. This is what I have so far and to be honest I am struggling to come up with any more worthwhile additions; I wonder if you would be so kind as to review and add any more you may think useful?
(numbers to indicate ferocity in delivery)
I’m sure you will have a lovely time in their flat, please do your best not to make a liar of me.
Love from Crispin
Obviously you will have noticed the steady influx of cardboard boxes to the flat these past few days. Now, please bear with me over the course of the next short while as I will be packing them with the contents of cupboards and shelves in preparation for the move next week. You are more than welcome to get in the boxes and investigate, but when they are empty only. Once I have begun to fill them with our belongings they become strictly ‘out of bounds’. We do not want to accidentally seal you up in one and neither do we want you messing about with the contents or making a nuisance of yourself by interfering with my procedures.
Also, while I have your attention on the subject I wonder if you could make yourself just a little less in the way of every single thing I try to package and pack. There is an absolute plethora newspapers to investigate and bubbled wrap to be sat upon all about the house, I’m sure your choice really does not always specifically need to be the piece I am looking to use.
I’m sure with your continued help we may yet make this a relatively painful process.
Lots of love, Crispin
Soon we shall be moving house. Now, before you come at me with all the fury of a tempest I wish to state my case:
I am fully aware that I gave you my word as a gentleman that you would never again be forced to go through that dreadful business. However (and let me tell you this is not easy for me to write), my desire to maintain a relationship based on trust and truth was usurped by a selfish need to counter, or at least delay, the terrible and inevitable tantrums that would surely ensue if you had any suspicion to the contrary.
Now, that said, I would like to make it clear that I will not be tolerating ANY nonsense during this stressful time. Lets try and keep a lid on sulking and general complaining – and in particular if we could keep ‘marching around the house shouting to illustrate disappointment’ to an absolute bare minimum that would be a great help and relief.
Thanking you in vain anticipation of your cooperation, Crispin
I have purchased some special ‘cat grass’ with the hope that you might see your way to eating that in preference to the house plants, the majority of whose apparel is suffering immensely at your casual vandalism. Cat grass is apparently proven to aid the digestion and calm the stomach and I am hopeful this may also incite a reduction in the occasional (and very disgusting) vomit surprises.
I have supplied an illustration to help you distinguish the grass from the other plants, please feel free to retain and refer.
All the best,
Love from Crispin
I think we should set some ground rules for playtime.
Claws are for toys, prey and scratching posts, not for hands, feet or indeed any part of me. Times of play are to be decided by me and I will signal when this is to commence by fetching a toy, some string or something and wiggling it around in front of you. Just walking past you does not constitute a game and is in no way an invitation to attack my feet. When I signal the start of a game it is important that join in a little sooner rather than later, you are not to leave me hanging for minutes, stood there wiggling a piece of string like a buffoon before condescending to join in.
I think if we can both agree to these rulesit will make playtime a more enjoyable experience for the both of us.
Love from Crispin
Further to my recent correspondence on places to sit and our recent discussions on how you might be less of an annoyance let us talk briefly on your fetish for bags. I am convinced that no cat in the history of things has ever held such a fascination to anything in the world as you do with carrier bags, if I come in with one and place it down there you are, all over it like nobody’s business rolling about and making a terrible fuss. This practise, though rather undignified shall only permitted to continue if you can at the very least wait the two minutes until I have removed the shopping from within.
All the best, Crispin